By the Phone

I'm sitting here waiting for a reply that won't come. At least not tonight. I know I can't and shouldn't complain but I want to talk. I just don't know what to say. I need to talk to you, but I can't. So I'll sit and wait by the phone in case, by some miracle, you decide that you might want to talk. About anything. I don't care. I just want to know that you understand that I'm here to listen and that I still care about you. I'm sorry.

I'll be by the phone. Just in case

122 Days

I was digging through my drawer to look for a pencil and I found it. A journal. I've always loved to keep journals, but I've never been good at consistently writing in them. This one was quite different though. I've never read through this journal that I wrote. I wrote it, tucked it away, and prayed that I would forget that it existed. You're probably asking why I didn't throw it away. . . well to be honest, I don't know. I just couldn't. . . can't. I wrote in this journal every single day for four months. It feels like it houses part of my heart. Today, I read through it.

I felt it all over again. The break in my heart. The ache in my stomach. The pounding in my head. I felt utterly alone all over again. This journal was back from the days that I went through a really hard time in my life. It was sophomore year and my best friend and I ended our friendship. I was absolutely broken. All of my worth had come from what my friend thought about me. I had my identity wrapped in what friends told me I was rather than what God told me I was. I didn't see myself as a true daughter of God. I saw myself as the outgoing, fun-loving, goofy girl that my friends told me I was. When they stopped telling me, I lost everything. I questioned who I was and what my purpose was in living. Luckily, my mom stepped up alongside of me and reminded me where my identity is really found.

It's funny that today I worried about who I am. What I live for. What I'd die for. What I love. What my hopes and dreams are. Where I'm going. And Who will be along for the ride. And today I found that journal where my identity was unknown and I asked these same exact questions. Today I asked because I want to know God's will, then I asked so I could know my will. Looking back, those 122 days, I lived in my own little world, only concerned about me. I don't want to live that way. I see how far I've come and how different my basis for identity is. Only God tells me who I am. I try so hard to follow His lead, but it can be hard. But the thing is, those 122 days showed my how hopeless it is to try to do it on my own. I can't. It has to be God that leads the way. His way is goodness, peace, love, and joy. Mine is not.

Kenzie Mason
Laying Down Myself

What to do?

What do you do when you stand in the middle between your heart and mind and nothing makes sense? What do you do when the crossroad seems so immense that you're drowning in the possibilities before even making a step? What do you do when your forced to betray your heart no matter which way you step? What do you do when you regret things that you've thought, done, and said? What do you do when the walls close in and you don't know where to go?

I feel stuck. Being pushed into things that I'm still thinking about. I jumped into decisions before I was ready, but how do you backspace in life? What do you do when you do the one thing you were trying so hard to avoid?

I just need time to think and until the time when I know, I have a feeling that I'll be standing at this crossroad, but it could be that things will change before I'm ready. When will I be ready?

Kenzie Mason
Laying Down Myself

Maybe They Are Right

I don't often say this, but I might be wrong about something. Vastly, indefinitely, unarguably wrong. I know it's a shocker for most of you. Just kidding. If you have read any of my posts, you see that I am so very very very wrong. But once again I have this fact thrown in my face. Let me put it this way. . . I'm going to tell you the situation, then my thoughts, then I will once again sulk into my utter wrongness.

Well to say the least, I'm a little stressed right now. Here are the things I have to do in the next two days and how long each one will take:

~ Finish ridiculously long project due Friday
Three hours for writing
An hour for putting together
~ Do Physics Labs due Thursday
I have 2 of these suckers
1 will take me about an hour
The other will take me about 30 minutes.
~ Study for ALL my tests on Friday
Let's see. . . 30 minutes to study for each of them
Calculus
Bible
Physics
~Try to function as a normal human being ALL THE TIME
Though that surely isn't going to happen.

Here's the thing, I'M FREAKING OUT! I hate getting bad grades and I hate feeling like I didn't do well enough so I'm scared that it all won't work out. Now I bet you're asking the question most people would. . . If you're so stressed, why are you blogging? First of all, I need a break for 5 minutes and secondly, I need to write it down to remind myself of something.

SOMETIMES I FAIL, BUT GOD IS STILL GOD. TOMORROW STILL COMES. I AM STILL BLESSED.

It's true.
Deep breath in. . . . . . . . and out. . . . . . . .
Ok well I'm going to continue to slowly chip away at my work and in doing so I admit that I am wrong. How well I do on my test or project does not make me any more or less than I am. Thank you for listening and reminding me of that.

Kenzie Mason
Laying Down Myself

I'll Lose It.

It sounds like I'm going crazy, and maybe I am, but maybe I need to. See I went to Radiate tonight and everything just feels like it makes more sense. I understand why I'm at this stand-still in my relationship with Christ. I keep catching these glimpses of what He wants me to do and to be honest, I'm just flat-out disobedient. Call me a bad Christian. Call me a hypocrite. Call me what you will, but I just find myself to be hungry.
I always want more. I want to hear more, see more, think more, but one thing I never want is to do more. In Radiate, we talk about Christ's life being split into three main periods of his ministry. There was the "Come and See" period, the "Follow Me and I'll Make You" period, and the "Come and Die" period. As we walk through our relationship with him, we walk through these stages. I think I've been doing what many Western Christians do. I get stuck in the "Come and See" period. I don't want to do anything. I want Christ to work, but I want to sit back and watch. I can't do that anymore. Sometimes I find myself wandering into the "Follow Me and I'll Make You" period. I have a hard time staying there and not falling back into the first period. This is mostly because I'm so prideful and convince myself that I can do it on my own without Christ. I take 2 steps forward and 18 backwards.
The one section I never seem to make it to is the "Come and Die" period. I think that every person who claims to be a Christian would say that they love God, but to what extent? My mom has often told me that love is often shown through sacrifice. Whether that is time, money, or pieces of your heart, it's always a sacrifice. If God is really worth loving as much as we claim He is, He deserves everything. A complete sacrifice of our life, but I find myself holding on to many of the things in my life. For many girls, I'd say we have a problem of letting go our desires for the future. Most of us want a husband, kids, and a job, but what if you found out you wouldn't get married, would you still trust Him? Would you be willing to sacrifice that for God? I honestly, question myself in this area. Am I willing to give up my future for Him so that He can do what He wants with it? The thing is I know His plans are much greater than mine. I can't say that my heart is completely open to the idea of not getting married, not having kids, or not having a job that makes me happy, but if He's calling me to it, I love Him enough. I'll lay down my desires so that He can work in me. Maybe then I can Come and Die.

Kenzie Mason
Laying Down Myself

The Rescue Mission

            His heart raced and his mind wandered. The entire school day, he’d carefully processed exactly how the next hour was going to play out, and as he stepped of the bus the only thought running through his mind was ‘And my time starts…now’. Step-by-step he walked the two blocks to his empty house still thinking. As he approached the front door, tears welled up in his eyes. As he turned the key, his heart broke from millions of pieces to trillions. The door swung open and the smell of his house overwhelmed his senses. He imagined these moments all day and tried to prepare himself for these feelings, but how did you honestly prepare for this? He’d say to himself, ‘Travis, you’re doing this to free them, not to hurt them’. Travis threw his backpack by the door; no point in doing his homework. He checked the time; fifty minutes until it was too late. He walked to his computer and opened Word to start typing the letter that he’d been planning out in his mind all day, but as the line flashed at the top of the page it erased every pre-planned word in his mind. Tears again overwhelmed him and after trying to stifle them back, sobs broke from his lips. He thought to himself,  ‘I shouldn’t type this. This kind of thing needs to be hand written.’ Then he wondered, ‘Since when were there rules for this kind of thing?’ Oh well, it felt better to him to write it. He found a pen and some pretty, baby blue stationary that his mom used to write official letters. The pen was firmly gripped in his hand, but he couldn’t control the shaking to be able to legibly write a single word. He thought for a second then in the best handwriting he could in his state wrote:

Dear Everyone,

         THIS ISN’T BECAUSE OF YOU; IT’S FOR YOU. I DON’T WANT YOU TO HAVE TO DEAL WITH THIS ANYMORE. I DON’T DESERVE YOU.

                                                      I LOVE YOU,

                                                                        Travis

He had thought all day about what he was going to say, but these were the only three sentences out of the book in his head that he could manage. He glanced at the clock. Twenty-seven more minutes until his dad would walk in the door. He knew that if he was going to do this, and he was, he had very little time. He walked into his parents’ room, tears still streaming down his face. He stumbled to his dad’s nightstand and opened the little wooden box that kept his dad’s most prized possessions. Through the tears, he frantically searched for a small silver key. He couldn’t find it and almost thought that this wasn’t going to happen today until he moved a letter that Travis had written him in fourth grade for Thanksgiving. He thought that soon that baby blue piece of paper would lay there beside it. As soon as the thought came through his mind though, he shoved it away. He grabbed the key and half ran out of the room. He walked into his garage with the baby blue letter in his hand. The scene was almost set. Slowly and suppressing more sobs, he opened his dad’s gun cabinet. He looked through the many hunting guns that he owned, but quickly glanced past them until he found what he was looking for. He saw it, sitting there, promising him relief. He picked up his dad’s police gun. His dad was a cop, but on Thursdays he stayed in the office and did paperwork so he never took his gun. That’s why Travis knew that it was now or never. Rarely, did he get this opportunity. He did what he saw his dad do thousands of times at the shooting range. It was a little harder because of his blurred vision. He opened the gun to load the bullets that conveniently sat on the shelf below where the gun had been. He opened the box of ammunition and a chill went down his spine and an almost scream broke from his lips. He carefully picked up two bullets and with shaking hands lodged them in the chamber. He thought for a second about why, during lunch, he had decided that two bullets were necessary. He had thought, ‘What if the first one only leaves me in pain?’ That’s when he decided that he need two…just in case. Now as the gun stood, loaded, in his violently shaking hand, he realized that it would really be needed in case he would miss. Sobs overwhelmed him for a moment, but he regained composure when he realized that his dad would be home in ten minutes. He turned the safety off. Glanced at the shaking gun. Bit his lip. Lifted the gun to his head. Paused for a second. Took a deep, uneven breath and suddenly, the garage door opened. Travis’s best friend Brandon stood on the other side smiling, but only for an instant until he fully took in what was about to take place. He ran up to Travis knocking the gun out of his hand and tackling Travis to the cold cement floor. Travis sobbed, “STOP! STOP! LEAVE ME ALONE!” Brandon, now breathing heavily screamed, “WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU THINKING, MAN?!?!” 

I think most of us has seen someone going through a rough time and ignored them. I know I have. Sometimes, it's just easier that way. It's easier to look at your shoes as you walk past them in the hallway than to stop, talk to them, and try to just sit there and listen. Honestly though, when I was in a low in my life, all I wanted was for someone to go out of their comfort zone, put their arm around me, and just listen. The best prevention of suicide isn't accidentally walking into the scene like Brandon in the story. The best way is to get out of our own little selfish worlds and look around and see what we so often don't want to see. My challenge is to do what the Bible says, 

Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.

I have definitely struggled with this. It's hard to see what you don't want to see, but by opening your heart to being compassionate to the situations of others, we learn to love like Jesus loved. By doing this, I hope that this whole idea of depression in our world can end and that the suicide rates would drop to nothing. Love saves lives. The love of Christ has saved our lives for eternity, but the love we can give someone on earth might be able to save their earthly lives.

Kenzie Mason
Laying Down Myself

Bows and Ribbons

Life always comes in neat little packages wrapped with sparkling, glittery paper and floppy bows. Ribbons always engulf the package only waiting for you, the lucky receiver, to tear into. Life always seems to make sense and because of that we are always happy. We never have to struggle. It's always shine, glitter, bows, and ribbons. 

Maybe if you live in a fantasy world. I know that my life does not always come wrapped with ribbons and bows. Usually it's wrapped with a little frustration, a little resistance, a little persecution, or a little failure. Of course, there are times that we consider ourselves blessed for getting the perfect, pretty package that we admire, but honestly, how often does that come? It feels like it's always the girl who has the perfect hair, beautiful clothes, and stunning personality that is handed the most extravagant package. It feels like the popular jock who plays starting quarterback every game is the one who receives the luxurious gifts. It's never your time. 

But maybe it's not the wrapping that matters all that much. Maybe what's important isn't the bows and ribbons, but the things inside the boxes. I know for me, the best lessons that I've learned about life haven't been from gifts that were perfectly wrapped. There was always the packages wrapped in frustration that led to me growing as a peson. They were the gifts tangled in heartbreak that made me realize where my value comes from. They were the presents delivered by unlikely, and often (I say with much shame) in my eyes, undeserving people. The gifts that weren't the prettiest, were the ones that I consider myself completely and utterly blessed by. Through these gifts, I have developed a new identity in Christ, a new love for people around me, and I continue to grow from many of them. 

I know it feels like there's always that one person who gets everything on a silver platter. The package comes wrapped in wealth and property, but inside, the only thing that they find is loneliness. The package comes wrapped in beautiful children but inside comes the painful reminder of a messy divorce. The gifts can come wrapped in a nice package that you, the onlooker, is completely entranced by and jealous of, but sometimes it's the people who look like they have it all together that are truly struggling the most. 

Do not look at the wrappings of the parcels that life gives us, look at the worth of what's on the inside, but also be willing to step in and be the good that adds value to their life. I know I am blessed through some amazing friends who step into my life daily and bless me. I honestly do not deserve them, yet they stick around and encourage me in my walk every day. I'm not perfect. Life still has a lot of things to teach me, but I'm ready for whatever God is going to throw my way. 

For those of you who just received a beautifully wrapped package with something good inside:

Give thanks where thanks is due. Remember that even if you feel like you deserve it now, there have been times that you don't. Remember the grace that has been extended to you and I to allow us to have gifts like that.

 

For those of you who just received a beautifully wrapped package with something bad inside:

Things will get better. There are people around you who can encourage you and a God above who has hidden a fantastic present in what seems to be a bad gift. Keep faith and take a look at the big picture. God may be giving you some important message. 

For those of you who just received a package that was not beautifully wrapped and has something bad inside as well: 

It's all part of His plan. Right now, I know it doesn't look like it. It looks like the end of the world, but I promise that God has a plan. I don't know how He is going to use it, but even if you don't see it, He is using it for His glory. Have faith because though the world seems to be crushing you, He has overcome the world and if He is on your side, He will not let it overcome you.

Lastly, 

For those of you who just received a package that was not beautifully wrapped and has something good inside: 

God grows us with these kinds of gifts. It looks like resistance. It looks bad, but He uses what looks messy and hard to show us who we are and how we are to serve Him. Don't let the messy packing deter you. Walk boldly because He is setting you up for something great that is right around the corner. 

I love you all! 

Kenzie Mason
Laying Down Myself

Up-side Down Kind of Love

I think about the sacrifices that Christ asks us to make as his followers. We have to sacrifice our desires for His will. Whether that be our desire for a well paying job, our desire for a relationship with a significant other, our desire to become wealthy, our desire to be popular or famous, or our desire to be god, we have to realize that our desires pale in comparison to God's good and perfect will. He has set up these amazing things in our lives that He is going to use for His plan and in the end, we try to grab hold of them ourselves, steer them to "work for us", and ultimately, lose everything. We lose the goodness of the plan that God has originally intended and often, we lose the very thing that we decided was ours to control. Let's be honest, we might as well be the opposite of King Mitus sometimes. Whereas everything he touched turned to gold, everything we touch turns to dust. I know that's how it often is for me.

I feel like that's what happened in the garden. The serpent came up and instilled this spark, an idea, nothing more, in the mind of Eve. She started taking hold of the apple in her mind much before she physically did. As the thought of being like God overwhelmed her, her desire overruled God's command. She took with two hands something that she hoped to turn into gold. Sadly, it became dust and darkness to the world. Eve's original desires were to listen to God and as she walked in His will, she found herself happy with her husband in the presence of the Lord, but when she tried to make things even better for herself, it made her ultimately lose everything. She lost the garden, the ease, the comfort, her relationship with God, purity, and she welcomed death as it came into the world.

As people died, God couldn't let his children be sent to hell, because although He is just, He is also gracious and loving. He gave the best form of grace that could ever be imagined. He came down to earth to teach His people about Him. He lived like we do on this earth. He dealt with common, daily struggles like the ones that we have, yet in the end, because He is perfect, He never sinned. Not once. Jesus never tried to go against the will of the Father. Even when He was faced with death, He did not waiver. He walked parallel to the plan of the Father. One of his closest friends betrayed Him and as the prophesies had foretold, He was hung to a cross to die. He didn't speak out against the Father, instead He spoke out for the people who hung them there to die. Even on the cross, in the pain, He remembered why He had to come to earth. He had to come because He couldn't stand the thought of us staying an eternity in hell, because He couldn't imagine losing His sons and daughters to the evil one. He loves us and wanted us to spend forever in His glory.

I love the cross. It is the ultimate sacrifice of love. Perfect God loved me enough to come to earth and to die. If that was the end of the story, there wouldn't be much hope. I'd be serving a dead God. Instead, three days after His death Christ rose again from the grave proving that in the end, Satan can not hold down the power of God. God is alive.

I believe that with all of my heart, but now I go back to my original statement, Christ asks us to make sacrifices as His followers. Maybe we do have to sacrifice everything that I mentioned before for Christ. Maybe He asks us to go even beyond that.

I think of Peter. He loved God and laid down his life to follow after God. He literally died upside-down on a cross because he felt that he was unworthy to be crucified like Christ was. What if our love for God was that radical? So up-side down that we feel it totally ridiculous to hold on to our lives only to in the end lose it? Oh wait. . . that does sound pretty ridiculous. Maybe we should all just start sacrificing little things for Christ, then maybe things would start to change. Maybe by sacrificing little things, we would ultimately, be sacrificing a lot. Maybe then we could have a committed up-side down kind of love like Peter had for Christ.

I don't think I would be offended to have my faith compared to his. Sure he might have been a little crazy, but only because he wanted to give his entire life up to the one person who could in the end, save it. He didn't believe in the world. He believed in the one who overcame it.

And that made all the difference.

Kenzie Mason
Laying Down Myself

Warm Fuzzy Songs

Girls grow up with this idea that they will be swept off of their feet by Prince Charming. I'd like to think that it's something like that, but I want my Prince Charming to stay with me through ups and downs...I'm not naive enough to think that it's going to be happily ever after, but I have faith that there will be forever...

Anyways, that's kind of beside the point. Here are some songs that make me get that butterflies in the stomach, forever kind of feeling (:

1. Fine By Me- Andy Grammer 
I love that it's so imperfect and not fairytale, but it's real and forever.

2. Are You Gunna Kiss Me or Not- Thompson Square
Come on...every girl wants to be kisssed.

3. God Gave Me You- Blake Shelton

Let's be honest, I want a for better or worse relationship. 

4. Give Me That Girl- Joe Nichols 

I don't want to have to be perfect. 

5. Our Song- Taylor Swift 

This is just super cute! 

6. 1 2 3 4- Plain White T's  

Those three scary words.

7. The Woman with You- Kenny Chesney

Simple as that. 

8. I Do- Colbie Caillat

If you're a girl and say you can't relate. . . you lie. 

9. Wanted- Hunter Hayes 

Cliché, but true. 

10. Hey There Delilah- Plain White T's 

Close or far away. 

11. Fall For You- Secondhand Serenade 

I want to fall for him, but he also has to fall for me.

12. Check Yes Juliet- We The Kings

This just makes me smile. 

13. Smile- Uncle Kracker 

Gives me butterflies. 

14. Bless the Broken Road- Rascal Flatts

Yea...it's not a perfect journey, but the end result will be beyond what I can imagine.

15. Little Moments- Brad Paisley

I'm a little clumsy. 

16. Don't Take the Girl- Tim McGraw

It would be nice to have that guy. 

17. Good Morning Beautiful- Steve Holy 

Who doesn't like being called beautiful? 

18. She's Everything- Brad Paisley 

I would love to be that to someone. 

19. Check Yes or No- George Strait

AWWWWWWW 

20. When You Say Nothing At All- Allison Krauss

Overused, but cute

And there you go! In no particular order, with every video. I hope you like them (: 

Kenzie Mason
Laying Down Myself 

...Accursed Word

Let's be honest, boyfriend-girlfriend relationships can be such an amazing and beautiful and uplifting thing, however it can also be something that causes unnecessary heartbreak. For me, I always have to remember what God says about guarding your heart. I'm the kind of person that let's myself care about someone way too quickly. I've worked on this a lot. The people who have places in my heart have showed me that they honestly care about me and love me. I am thankful for each one of them. (Of course here I'm not talking boyfriend, but more best friend).

Right now, having a boyfriend seems like such a weird concept. I have to think that next year I will be going to college and leaving behind some of my best friends, my cousins, my family, and I can't imagine adding a boyfriend to the mix. Of course this is my plan FOR NOW. I know how I am and I know how things change for me. 

The good part is that no matter what, I know that God will show me the right thing to do. . . even if it's hard and I know that it most likely will be either way. 

But here's what anyone might want to know about my "Boyfriend Wishlist" if you will:

1. He has to be a Christian

2. He has to be social

3. He has to be kind to everyone, not just me

4. He has to be gentle

5. He has to be funny

6. He has to smile and be happy

7. He should be close to his family

8. He can not be a cheater

9. He has to accept me for who I am (though I'm willing to change little things about myself, but not who I am) and he can not be embarrassed of me in front of his friends (AKA I want a title)

10. He has to be American (; (Inside joke! But those who get it . . . seriously though lol) 

I don't like talking about boyfriends much. . . so this probably won't happen again. 

Kenzie Mason
Laying Down Myself

Coming out

Let's be honest...I haven't told many people about my blog, but today was ground breaking. I finally told two of my best friends that I write a blog. It looks like they might enjoy it (;

Kenzie Mason
Laying Down Myself

Welp, This is Awkward..

Ok so usually I try to connect what I'm going to say to my spiritual faith, but tonight, I'm just going to talk about something that I think every single person understands. Sometimes, let's be honest, life just gets so. . . awkward. I can't help, but think that God giggles as he watches these little events unfold.
There are some places that just create awkward situations. We would all be lying if we denied that awkward moments seem to spawn out of school dances. From the parents watching at all angles, to the teachers commenting on your dress, to the moment when a guy walks up to you. He smoothly says, "Hey do you like this song?" Your heart beats fast because you've had a secret crush on him and your mind flashes through the images. The first one, is you all dancing, the next dating through college, then getting married, and having a baby (okay. . . that's a MAJOR exaggeration). Some how you formulate words and without even knowing what song is playing you say, "I love it!" To which the boy looks you straight in the eyes, takes a deep breath and says, "Well I hate it!" After that, he plops himself in a seat close to you to wait out the slow song. Talk about awkward.
Maybe that's never happened to you, but maybe this has. You get to the dance. Your hair is fixed and your dress fluffed. You've talked to this certain guy and he's told you that he plans to dance with you all night. You're giddy as you walk through the doors into the dance. You walk up to the sign in table and bend over to write your name when the seam of your dress by the zipper splits in two, almost causing the dress to fall down. You run to the bathroom with your best friends.
Maybe you had your eye on a guy all night. You are just waiting for him to ask you to dance with him. Your friend whispers in your ear to ask who you want to ask you to dance. You smile and giggle as you whisper his name. She looks at you and with an encouraging nod says that she knows it is going to happen. Suddenly, the D.J. announces that he is playing the last slow song of the night. You make yourself easily accessible by standing in an open space easily in his line of sight, but as you look for him, you see your friend who you just told that you wanted to dance with him, talking to him. You kind of think how nice she is for encouraging him to ask you to dance when suddenly, his facial expression gets nervous and he says, "Ok." Your friend, the one you trusted, starts to dance with the boy you told her you liked.
Sometimes things just get awkward, but when you surround yourself with good friends, they all end up working out to be in your favor. Sometimes your friends make or break a situation.
As you sit there awkwardly after the boy you have a crush on told you he hates the song, a mutual friend comes up, tells him to get over his hatred for the song, and choose someone to dance with. You're still sitting right next to him so he asks you if you want to and you get the chance that you thought you lost.
Your friends try to help you the best they can. They seek out a sewing kit and eventually find one. The dress is stitched together for the night, but at the end of it all, you have to cut the dress off. Sure, the end is still a little weird, but you, without paying much attention to the dress situation, dance the night way with the boy who then asks you to be his girlfriend.
You feel your heart break with betrayal and a little sadness. You sit down and decide that you are going to give up on trying to find someone to dance with. Your best guy friend comes up, and even though he HATES dancing, he sees how sad you are and offers to dance with you. He pulls you close to him and you all spin around the floor, with each step, you forget the boy who originally occupied all of your thoughts.
It's a good thing that friends are there at school dances. They are some of the best memories and most awkward situations. They are a place to socialize and enjoy yourself. School dances are just great, but only if you have great friends to be there for the awkward and the awesome. There's only one thing friends can't help you escape at school dances. . . the most horrid of all dance songs. . . "Then".

But that's a different story for a different day.

Laying Down Myself
Kenzie Mason

If God Was Like ME...

I have to start this off with saying I feel like I've had my share of bad luck with boys. I have had some guys in my life who have been high quality, God-loving, gentlemen. Others however...well...to be completely honest, I'm going to quote my mom, "If you can't find anything nice to say, just don't say anything at all." In other words, I'm not a big fan. I know one thing that helped me get over or past the heartbreak in those situations is a song that made me feel like I didn't deserve what happened to me. It also makes me sound a little better than I actually am, but even though I don't believe that I am high up on a pedestal as this song makes it sound, it quite clearly conveys the emotions I felt. For all of you Taylor Swift haters who thought my last blog about Taylor Swift was bad...I bet you can't wait for this one!

Ok I know this might be a far stretch for some people, but for me, this is how I feel like God should react to us sinning. I mean, He is supposed to be the best thing in the world to us and He should be walking away with His hands in the air saying, "I'm never taking you back since you decided that money, your popularity, sex, drugs, alcohol, is more important than me." God is a gracious God. He doesn't walk away from us. He is absolutely heartbroken over our sin, but He waits like a loving Father for His children to return to Him. When they do, they receive an extravagant homecoming, not a jaded God. He loves us past our mistakes.
I'm not saying to the girls out there who have ever been cheated on to accept that guy back into their hearts because that's what God would do. I am saying however, imagine how hard that is for you. Now imagine how much harder that would be for God to accept someone back who completely rejected Him in order to follow after something else. All I have to say is I've been there and I know that our God is so much more gracious than I will ever be able to be.  

Laying Down Myself
Kenzie Mason

Story Time

I have a little story to tell... 

I had just finished my sophomore year of high school and I was sitting on the beach at an event held by Southeast called Bible and Beach. My best friend, Vanessa, and I were hanging out together and talking about the people playing volleyball and frisbee and the people in the ocean (which was an incredibly idiotic decision because of the numerous jellyfish, might I add). We couldn't decide what to do. As we were discussing this a volleyball flew out of a court and in between us. I tried to be nice by retrieving the stray ball and ended up stumbling into a conversation being had by a guy who I recognized as going to my school and Ryan Post (the worship leader for high school at Southeast). I picked up the volleyball, threw it back to the people who were playing, and decided that I would figure out what this guy's name was because I was certain I should know it. I waited until they broke off the conversation to then walk straight up to him and say, "Hey! I'm Mackenzie! You go to Whitefield right?" To which he so enthusiastically *catch the sarcasm* said, "Yes?...Well I just graduated." I felt myself only for a moment be embarrassed before I continued on trying to have a normal conversation with him. He seemed like he didn't really want to talk, but none-the-less, we chatted for a few minutes. It was long enough for me to get that his name was Ryan Lawrence. I decided I would look him up on Facebook when I got home, but surprisingly enough, when I got home from the trip, I had a friend request. We started chatting occasionally on Facebook, seeing each other at church on Sunday mornings, and eventually, we exchanged numbers. 

It's crazy to think that was two years ago. I can't say we were immediately best friends, but I can say that we have slowly but surely gotten very close. I consider him one of my best friends. We always laugh about how weird our meeting was. He was a graduated senior who had no interest in meeting anyone new (He's a loner :P And I'm only saying that cause I know he is going to read this) and I was a sophomore thinking that I would really like to know who this guy is. He always tells me that the moment I bounced up to him and started talking to him, he knew I was a freak. Well he's right, but apparently I'm cool enough to be friends with. 

I tell this whole story just to say that sometimes going out of your comfort zone a little bit makes all the difference. God puts things and people in your life for a reason, but if you are too scared to ever reach out your hand and grab at the opportunity, you're going to miss all of them.  I think about what could have happened with my life if I hadn't decided to be a goofy little sophomore, if Ryan hadn't been on the beach that day, if the volleyball hadn't flown past me. And I realize that stepping out of your comfort zone can not only benefit someone else, but you can gain a lot from it. Whether it's meeting new people, sharing Jesus with people, or just going against what the world says, going out of our comfort zones helps us grow. It changes things for us. So next time you're on a beach and a volleyball flies past you, know that you are about to meet one of your best friends...just kidding. Next time an opportunity is in front of you, but you're scared of looking a little foolish, just remember that nothing exciting or new ever happens if you always do the comfortable thing. 

Laying Down Myself
Kenzie Mason

 

Blah Blah Blah

I've been thinking and thinking and thinking about what is on my mind that is so groundbreaking that it deserves a post on the good ol' blog. Honestly, I don't have much that I really know what to say. Honestly, I feel like my life is in a complete whirlwind right now. I feel like certain friendships are falling together while others are utterly falling apart, college decisions are waiting very impatiently around the corner, school work is...well there's not too much of that, but what is there still stinks, the chaos of trying to keep a semi-thriving social life is getting complicated, and after school activities should be called "every single spare second of your time" activities. All of this while trying to serve the Lord. I'm not going to lie, I'm getting kind of exhausted, but I heard a Scripture today that has helped a little bit. God calls us to abide in Him. That means that as I go throughout my daily activities, He is with me, giving me peace and rest as I need Him to. My God is an amazing God and every day I consider it a blessing to be able to take up His name. He's my best friend and my first love.

It may not be groundbreaking, but it's life-making.

Laying Down Myself
Kenzie Mason

Dreams...

I laid down last night to go to bed with a completely restless mind and it showed through my dreams. It wasn't one of those action packed or scary dreams. It was a dream about the future. 

It all started with me, but older (like 35ish). I sat at a desk with a notebook in front of me and writing throughout the entire thing. All words in my handwriting with my thoughts, things I haven't mentioned often or just seem to think in the recesses of my mind. Worries, hopes, ambitions, opinions, and more were scribbled in my chicken-scratch on the worn out looking page. I watched myself flip restlessly through the book absorbing every word. Then I saw a faint smile creep onto my face. It was refreshing from the concentrated look that had been there. I wondered what I was laughing at. So as I glanced over my own shoulder to read the words on the page, I noticed the bold title written at the top of the page:

My Plan

I knew exactly why I was laughing. What was written on that page in no way matched the life of the older Mackenzie that I saw reading. It was refreshing to know that my plan wasn't the one that mattered. My plan was simple and like every other girls plan:

• Graduate
• Get married
• Get my dream job
• Buy a beautiful house
• Have kids
• Raise them well
• Retire well

This was my plan. I don't know the life of the older Mackenzie, but I do know one thing, it didn't go exactly according to my plan. It was His plan that ended up shining through my life. I saw my eyes fill with tears as I ripped the page out of the notebook looked at it intently then crumpled it up and threw it into the garbage. I have a feeling that as good as my plan is, His will is so much better. 

I can't wait to see what happens...

Laying Down Myself
Kenzie Mason

When It's My Time

I'd dare to say that every person deals with fear in their own ways. Some people run from what they are afraid of while some try to confront it head on. I know for me, I'm usually in the first group. If I'm afraid of something I do everything in my power to get as far away from it as humanly possible. Like spiders for instance. I feel sorry for my future husband because God knows how many spiders he's going to have to kill. Or shots. I already know the misery I've put my mom through being scared of needles. I will beg, plead, and cry in order to avoid things like this. But there's one fear that is completely unescapable.
I don't know about you but death used to be the scariest thing. I feel like many people buy into this fear of death when really, there is nothing to fear at all if you are a believer. There is hope even in death.
I don't remember if it was the earthly aspect of dying or the eternal. I know that the earthly aspect still fascinates me. Not like a creepy murderer fascination but a fascination on how I die will make me be remembered. Let me explain, I feel like if someone dies on the battlefield, it effects the way that people remember them. Likewise, if someone commits suicide, it changes the way that the family remembers them. I want to know what connotation my death will leave. I've honestly gotten over how I'm going to die though. Sure, I'd like to know, but it honestly doesn't scare me anymore because I remember that God has a plan for me.
The other thing I've always wanted to know is how my death will effect others. I'd hope that no one questions their faith in God because of my death. Whether I die today or in 80 years, I want my family to remember that God has a plan and after I die I will be in heaven. I want to know what my funeral will be like. I've thought about this a lot actually. I want to have sunflowers and a lace dress on. I want it to be a celebration and remind people of the good things in life. I want to have my favorite foods there and I want there to be a time of worship and not like "Amazing Grace". I want like "10,000 Reasons". I don't know how it will end up, but that's ok. I don't have to fear that either.
Lastly, I worried about eternity. The moment I put my faith in Christ, I no longer had to fear that. I am saved by the grace of God and that is more than enough. I consider myself blessed.
My biggest fear is no longer a fear of mine. That doesn't get to happen for a lot of people.

What if...

What if tomorrow never comes for me?

What if my faith is questioned? 

What if I fail?

What if I don't?

What if my school could be radically different?

What if kids my age cared more about people than the brand of their clothes?

What if I made a difference in someone's life? 

What if I really invested my time in Kingdom things?

What if my first love moves to be my second love?

What if worship was redefined?

What if the kind of joy I had radiated through the halls at my school?

What if people noticed a difference in me?

What if my faith moved mountains? 

What if I devoted more time to studying Scripture?

What if love never ended? 

What if God answered every prayer with yes? 

What if I decided that I will lay down my life to live for Jesus?

Laying Down Myself
Kenzie Mason

I'm Sorry is All I Can Say, But Maybe Later?

You have to understand that I am not the kind of girl that guys are instantly attracted to. They seem to avoid me like the plague most of the time. All of a sudden, though, there have been some really good guy friends of mine have told me that they have more feelings for me than just being friends. I think they are great guys, and them even noticing me is beyond flattering, but I'm still dealing with things from my past. I feel so guilty. I feel like I'm letting people down, but I realize that a lot of things are my own sins that I am now paying for.

I will be the first to admit that I am so jaded by previous relationships (not "boyfriend" relationships even just friendships), but I see my own faults in this.

God tells us to guard our hearts. I believe that he means against sins, but I must admit that I think that there is more to it. I know that I've let people into my heart who haven't necessarily earned their way there. There are some who I feel have and have betrayed me. I have not guarded my heart. The pain that I've felt from those weak areas has effected me in so many ways. My current friendships reflect that and sadly, I'm sure future relationships will reflect it as well. However, right now I am trying to learn how to guard my heart and yet be real and honest at the same time.

I hope that I will have a little bit of grace extended to me. I have NEVER been put in this situation before.

Laying Down Myself
Kenzie Mason

Bubble Bubble Toil and Trouble

I have never really had an appreciation for Shakespeare. I understand that he has written some classic plays, but it has never particularly appealed to me, yet today, I sat in AP Lit and was completely taken aback by what I heard. We read through the play Macbeth throughout last week and to be honest, I tried to pay attention but when you don't really understand what is being said, it makes it hard. Today, we looked back at an aside that is said by Macbeth. I think that it is a really good representation of sin. I won't go into gory details, but Macbeth is an esteemed man and one of great character, Many people admired him for that, but when temptation crept into Macbeth's path, he chose to stumble into it.

Had Macbeth been around more people that would keep him accountable for his actions, would his desire for the crown still overrule the sorrow he had about murder?

I know many of us are not struggling between whether or not we should murder someone, but let's make this more real. Maybe you're struggling deciding whether or not you will go back to that website. I mean, is it really hurting or even effecting anyone other than you? Yes, what about your spouse who will have to live knowing that her body is not the only one that you enjoyed. And God who created you for much more than that. Maybe you're struggling whether or not to tell a lie or not. I mean, it's not like it's going to change much, but it might just be enough to impress the guy you like, even if only for a moment. Maybe, you are deciding whether or not to pull out that razor and just cut your wrists. It's different for all of us, but there is one thing I know about sin. It comes to steal, kill, and destroy.

It creeps in in some of the most subtle ways and before long, it rampages through your life. It destroys everything. You lose your good character to a mistake. Just like Macbeth.

A popular band, Mumford and Sons wrote a song about this. It clearly references Macbeth and even uses a few lines from the play. I hope that you see that sin is not something to play around with. You think it won't change who you are if you only do it one time, but I promise you from personal experience, if you don't ask God to immediately intercede and strengthen you, that sin will be a foothold for Satan.

I've been there.

I also want to post one more song. It really encourages me that even when I do struggle with sin barging in on my life, it does not define me because Christ has overcome sin and made me new again. 

Laying Down Myself
Kenzie Mason

Glamorous

I had this semi-recent discovery and it kind of made me question myself. Here's the deal. I get up in the morning and spend about an hour doing my hair, makeup, and getting dressed. I like looking nice. I don't look amazing every day, I get that, but I do kind of care what people think when they look at me, and like most other girls, I'll add about 30 minutes to my preparation time in order to try to impress a guy I like.

Don't misunderstand what I'm about to say. I don't think it's wrong to try to look presentable.

I started to worry about something. What if I spend more time trying to make what's on the outside look nice, but forget to care about what is on the inside? The Bible tells women that beauty is fleeting and the more I think about it, the more that starts to burn. If we care more about how we look than who we are, we've completely missed it. How we dress ourselves up and appear to others is so surface. God knows the depths of our hearts. He cares more about your heart than your hair. Just as a guy should.

A guy will not like you more if you put on eye-liner that matches your shoes, but if you are selfless, he will see that. A guy will not care if one piece of your hair isn't perfectly straight, but if  you have slept around, he's going to be hurt. A guy will not care if your jeans have weird pockets, but he will notice if you have a bad attitude all the time.

Maybe some of us girls are focusing on the wrong thing.

Challenge: 
Just like you add 30 minutes to the time you take to get ready for a date, add 30 minutes once a week to your time in the Word. Call it a daddy-daughter date if you want. Read some Scripture, then pray. I would try reading Proverbs 31. It talks about how to be a woman of God.

I'm going to take the challenge. Are you?

Not every picture has to be so glamorous (;

Laying Down Myself
Kenzie Mason 

Essence of Innocence

I'm not going to assume that anyone reads this blog, nor am I going to assume that should anyone read it, they will be reading from a Christian perspective. So you might not agree with me. That's ok. I understand. 

I don't know about you, but when I think about God, I think of words like mighty, powerful, omniscient (all knowing), creator, sustainer, king, lord, and just. That's just one side of Him. On the other hand he is love, joy, hope, compassion, and mercy. Those are all words that clearly describe God to me, but one thing I rarely think about is INNOCENT.

Let's step back and find the meaning of the word innocent. 

Innocent: free from guilt or sin especially through lack of knowledge of evil 

I wouldn't go as far as to say that God doesn't have knowledge of evil. I think that He knows evil because He watched as it destroyed the perfect creation that He carefully thought of. I think a Father  has a good sense of what it is that takes and destroys His children. 

I would say that God doesn't know evil. He can not associate himself with it. In that, He is innocent. 

How amazing is that?! I mean I walk throughout pretty much every day with some kind of guilt. It could be from, "I should have said 'I love you' to my brother this morning," or it could be, "I shouldn't have lied to my mom like that." Either way, it's constantly there. It's so comforting to me to know that the God that I serve walked on this earth and was very much like me, yet he still maintained this innocence. 

In Isaiah 53:7 it says:

He was oppressed and He was afflicted, yet He did not open His mouth; 

like a lamb that is led to slaughter, and like a sheep that is silent before its shearers, 

so He did not open His mouth.

I don't think that the reason for Jesus's silence was because of fear, but because of innocence. He was innocent like a lamb or a sheep and yet he bore our sins on the cross. His innocence was necessary because only a clean sacrifice could take away our sins. Should we say that Christ was not innocent, that God is not innocent, we lose salvation. We lose hope. We lose our lives that we have laid down to a lie. Luckily, Jesus was the perfect sacrifice that atoned for our sins, bringing us back to a Father with outstretched arms running to His children who are turning back to him. 

What an awesome God we serve. 

Laying Down Myself
Kenzie Mason

Artist

I can't speak for anyone else, but in my personal opinion, art class is the worst class ever. I like my teacher (for the most part) and I like the people in my class, but I hate art. I'm not good at it. We had to do a self portrait a little less than a month ago and I think I completely proved that I am incapable of drawing...or painting...or really even tracing. I'd like to pretend I'm good at it but I'm not.

Now I'm about to shift gears, you'll see where this is going in a second, just stay with me.

A few days ago I was driving to my best friend and cousin, Sunni's house. I was passing by Southeast with all the big trees around and literally stopped the car in the middle of the road. Don't worry, no cars were around. What laid around me was one of the most exquisite looking scenes. On my left I saw the cross of the building laying against the beautiful pink/orange/purple sunset. The colors were magnificent. Something totally supernatural. Then I noticed the fall leaves in their varieties of orange and red and brown with the contrast of the lively green grass. I wish everyone could experience that sight for a moment. As if the scene wasn't enough, the words "His love never fails" rang through the radio of my car.
He is an amazing artist. He created the actual things that we base our art on. We can never create it quite like He can and it just makes me realize all over again that I could never compare to Him.
To conclude, I'd like to share a quote that hangs in our art room at school that completely sums this up. It's by Andy Grimes.

"Art is a collaboration between God and the artist. The less the artist does, the better."