I felt it all over again. The break in my heart. The ache in my stomach. The pounding in my head. I felt utterly alone all over again. This journal was back from the days that I went through a really hard time in my life. It was sophomore year and my best friend and I ended our friendship. I was absolutely broken. All of my worth had come from what my friend thought about me. I had my identity wrapped in what friends told me I was rather than what God told me I was. I didn't see myself as a true daughter of God. I saw myself as the outgoing, fun-loving, goofy girl that my friends told me I was. When they stopped telling me, I lost everything. I questioned who I was and what my purpose was in living. Luckily, my mom stepped up alongside of me and reminded me where my identity is really found.
It's funny that today I worried about who I am. What I live for. What I'd die for. What I love. What my hopes and dreams are. Where I'm going. And Who will be along for the ride. And today I found that journal where my identity was unknown and I asked these same exact questions. Today I asked because I want to know God's will, then I asked so I could know my will. Looking back, those 122 days, I lived in my own little world, only concerned about me. I don't want to live that way. I see how far I've come and how different my basis for identity is. Only God tells me who I am. I try so hard to follow His lead, but it can be hard. But the thing is, those 122 days showed my how hopeless it is to try to do it on my own. I can't. It has to be God that leads the way. His way is goodness, peace, love, and joy. Mine is not.
Laying Down Myself