I'll Lose It.

It sounds like I'm going crazy, and maybe I am, but maybe I need to. See I went to Radiate tonight and everything just feels like it makes more sense. I understand why I'm at this stand-still in my relationship with Christ. I keep catching these glimpses of what He wants me to do and to be honest, I'm just flat-out disobedient. Call me a bad Christian. Call me a hypocrite. Call me what you will, but I just find myself to be hungry.
I always want more. I want to hear more, see more, think more, but one thing I never want is to do more. In Radiate, we talk about Christ's life being split into three main periods of his ministry. There was the "Come and See" period, the "Follow Me and I'll Make You" period, and the "Come and Die" period. As we walk through our relationship with him, we walk through these stages. I think I've been doing what many Western Christians do. I get stuck in the "Come and See" period. I don't want to do anything. I want Christ to work, but I want to sit back and watch. I can't do that anymore. Sometimes I find myself wandering into the "Follow Me and I'll Make You" period. I have a hard time staying there and not falling back into the first period. This is mostly because I'm so prideful and convince myself that I can do it on my own without Christ. I take 2 steps forward and 18 backwards.
The one section I never seem to make it to is the "Come and Die" period. I think that every person who claims to be a Christian would say that they love God, but to what extent? My mom has often told me that love is often shown through sacrifice. Whether that is time, money, or pieces of your heart, it's always a sacrifice. If God is really worth loving as much as we claim He is, He deserves everything. A complete sacrifice of our life, but I find myself holding on to many of the things in my life. For many girls, I'd say we have a problem of letting go our desires for the future. Most of us want a husband, kids, and a job, but what if you found out you wouldn't get married, would you still trust Him? Would you be willing to sacrifice that for God? I honestly, question myself in this area. Am I willing to give up my future for Him so that He can do what He wants with it? The thing is I know His plans are much greater than mine. I can't say that my heart is completely open to the idea of not getting married, not having kids, or not having a job that makes me happy, but if He's calling me to it, I love Him enough. I'll lay down my desires so that He can work in me. Maybe then I can Come and Die.

Kenzie Mason
Laying Down Myself